" Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate curiosity to what is happening within " - Gabor Maté​
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Why Emotionally Focused Therapy?
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EFT is an experiential therapy. This means that change happens within our experiences in real time. This isn't an opinion that EFT has...we actually have neurological science to draw from. We know that emotions are hard wired into the body, In the same part of the brain as our basic survival needs.
Attachment is survival, whereas, the logical center of the brain is not a function of that survival place. This means when your attachment system detects disconnection with an important other, it fires off a signal in the brain that says 'danger' and it turns on that survival system. Neurologically, this shuts down the logical part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, so that the body can send all of its energy to its survival system, the limbic area.
So when someone says "Stop being so emotional, just try to think logically"... well, you weren't designed to do that! The brain literally does not function that way. Your body is saying "we need to rally all of our energy and resources to go towards our survival system".
So, if people could change from reading a self help book or from practicing conflict resolution skills or from holding better boundaries...they wouldn't need therapy to help them in those stuck places. Unfortunately, all of these front brain tools go right out the window when we feel disconnected and distressed.
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A deeper dive into EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a relational therapy based on Attachment science. This approach seeks to understand how our past relationships and experiences have led us to our current patterns of feeling, thinking, behaving, and then uses a safe and secure counselling relationship to bring about desired change.
Human beings are fundamentally relational. The moment we are born, we are in a relationship with another. We understand ourselves through our relationships with others. Counselling provides an opportunity for a unique and healing relationship, one of non-judgement, unconditional acceptance, and active collaboration. These are the conditions for growth that enable us to tap into our inner wisdom, compassion and capacity to heal.
When we work to connect the dots between past and present using EFT, clients can move past self-criticism and shame and often see their challenges in a whole new light. At first sadness may accompany this new awareness—grief for truly seeing and being with the pain you have been holding and supressing. However, the flip side of this sadness is self-compassion, and in time this compassion and understanding promotes internal safety and healing.
So, how does it work in therapy? Simply put, there are 2 main goals in our EFT sessions: To uncover and appreciate the negative emotional patterns we have been carrying (because at one stage in life, these truly did help us connect and survive with our main attachment figures). Then we slowly change our relationship with these patterns to foster the new creation of mature, secure and connected bonds.
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It's evidence-informed, structured yet deeply experiential, and especially effective for transforming those automatic emotional loops into self compassion, clarity and resilience.
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​To learn more-​
International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (Iceeft)
Emotionally Focused Therapy: A guide to EFiT
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"If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place”
- Eckhart Tolle
Hold Me Tight, by Dr Sue Johnson, offers stories and exercises, based on the science of love and the wisdom of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT), to walk you through seven conversations that can define a love relationship. The book will help you learn how to shape these crucial relationship moments and create a secure bond that will last for a lifetime.
This EFT workbook is essential reading for partners looking for helpful steps to improve the quality of their romantic relationship, and overcome their relationship distress. It closely follows the course of EFT treatment and allows clinicians to easily integrate guided reading, reflection, and discussion into the therapeutic process.
We hear this term often, but most people aren't really sure where they stand. What is your preferred attachment style? Do you understand how you reach for connection and love or handle conflict and distress? Research indicates that our attachment style is founded in our earliest years, and then also molded through a biopsychosocial model. Essentially, our early caregivers set the foundation of our view of ourselves and others, however life experiences can also confirm or change our outlook. This "attachment strategy" gets baked into us, and often we have no clue how we interact with others and engage with the world at large.